Sermons & Grass
"Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon," a preacher told his summertime congregation. The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church who had heard the blade of grass illustration came along. The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, "Way to go, Pastor, cut 'em short."
Going For A Record
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
The Teen
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son." "He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "Didn't you say he was 13?"
Honeymoon's Over
The day after a young couple had returned from their honeymoon, the bride called her mother in a panic. "What's the matter, dear? Was the honeymoon dreadful?" "No, but oh, Mama! As soon as we got home, he started using the most horrible language! Horrible four-letter words!" "Darling, shhhh," said her mother. "Calm down and tell me what he said that was so awful." "Oh, Mama, it's so embarrassing," cried the still sobbing bride. "He said words like 'cook,' 'iron,' 'wash' and 'dust!'"
A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.
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