SOMETHING TO LIGHTEN YOUR DAY

The Speeding Ticket 
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?" 

Getting Personal 

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?" "4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers. Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?" 

Found Cell Phone 

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store." 

The Offering 

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver." As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing. The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!" 

Shorts 

• My goal for 2017 is to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 pounds to go.
• I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!
• If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.
• I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.
• I went to buy a camouflage shirt the other day, but I couldn't find any.