- Sign at animal park: Please be safe. Do not set, stand, climb, or lean on fence. If you fall, animals may eat you and that might make them sick.
- I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.
Things the Professor Says and What He Really Means
- Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience. (I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)
- The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important. (I don't understand the details either.)
- The test scores were generally good. (Some of you managed a C)
- Some of you could have done better. (Everyone failed.)
- It's been very rewarding to teach this class. (I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)
Urgent Reasons to Tithe
- The last few Sundays the treasurer has gotten up halfway through the service and turned off the heat/air conditioning.
- The preacher's wife has worn the same dress now every Sunday for the past two years.
- You can't call the church office because the phone has been disconnected.
- The offering plates have been sold and replaced with popcorn buckets.
- The treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes.
- Parking meters have been installed in the church parking lot.
- There's no money for new choir robes, so the choir has resorted to wearing their bath robes.
The Accident
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"
Dead Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins seen on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"
Dead Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins seen on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
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