- The price of balloons is going up. They blame it on inflation.
- Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.
- If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."
- Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
- Don't judge folks by their relatives.
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending — and to have the two as close together as possible.
The Survivor
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, turned around very slowly and said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"
Ego Deflation
For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her why she had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, turned around very slowly and said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"
Ego Deflation
For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her why she had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
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