SOME THINGS TO LAUGH AT

Just Checking
"Pardon me, lady," said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?" "You certainly did!" said the woman in the aisle seat. "Good, then I'm in the right row," the man said as he went back to his seat.

Shorts

• What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist only wears a belt. A pessimist wears a belt, suspenders, and carries safety pins.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Fake News

If Biblical headlines were written by today's media...

• On Red Sea crossing:
  Wetlands Trampled in Labor Strike
    Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
• On David vs. Goliath:
  Hate Crime Kills Beloved Champion
    Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
• On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
  Fire Sends Religious Extremist into Frenzy
    400 Killed
• On the birth of Christ:
  Hotels Full, Animals Left Homeless
    Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
• On feeding the 5,000:
  Preacher Takes Child's Lunch
    Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
• On healing the 10 lepers:
  Local Doctor's Practice Ruined
    "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
• On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
  Madman's Friend Causes Stampede
    Local Farmer's Investment Lost
• On raising Lazarus from the dead:
  Fundamentalist Preacher Raises a Stink
    Reading of Will Delayed

Kids' Science Exam Answers

• Q:  Name the four seasons.
  A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• Q:  What does 'varicose' mean?
  A:  Nearby.
• Q:  Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
  A:  The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
• Q:  What does the word 'benign' mean?'
  A:  Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:

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