Yes, Sir!
A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand. After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning." "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.
Say What?
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Eventually, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"
Old Is...
- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
- If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells remain forever.
Shorts
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- If a tomato is a fruit, does that make chilled ketchup a smoothie?
- If there were a Pessimist Award, I doubt that I could win it.
- I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
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