A FEW THINGS TO TICKLE YOUR FUNNY BONE

Oh, That Explains It 
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. "My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Emily?" "I hit him over the head with it." 

Restless Natives 

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency. "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. "Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!" 

The Prerequisite 

I asked the children in the Sunday School class I taught, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was feeling pretty good about their level of spiritual understanding. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" 

Quick Thoughts 

• A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Ridiculous. My dogs don't even own bikes!
• A good pun is its own reword.
• A little boy was overheard praying, "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everyone away.
• As I was carrying a heavy piece of sound equipment from our praise band's rehearsal studio to the sanctuary of our church, my wife suggested I use a dolly. How Raggedy Ann could help, I don't know.