A FEW MORE THINGS TO BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY

Turnabout Is Fair Play 

Little Johnny opened his birthday gift from Gramma. It was a water pistol! He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. His mother was not so pleased. She turned to Gramma and said, "I'm surprised at you, getting him a water pistol! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with those?" Gramma just smiled: "Yes...I remember." 

On Call 

A young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say, "Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it." There was a long pause, then some static. Slowly, a voice said, "We, uh... can't get the car started." 

Hymns for Speeders

If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly: 

• At 45 mph: "God Will Take Care of You"
• At 55 mph: "Guide Me, O Great Jehovah"
• At 65 mph: "Nearer My God to Thee"
• At 75 mph: "Nearer Still Nearer"
• At 85 mph: "This World is Not My Home"
• At 95 mph: "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
• At 100 mph: "Precious Memories"

Wisdom Speaks 

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in." 

Bad Knee(s) 

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused, and then said, "Sir, how old are you?" "I'm 98," the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"