"Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us." "Why is that?" "They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't." "How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper." "Yeah," the kid told his dad. "That's probably got something to do with it, too."
It's What She Heard
A ten-year-old was watching TV with her Grandma. The newscaster interrupted the program to announce the outcome of a political election. "More on candidates at 11pm," he said. The child exclaimed, "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"
The Greeting
One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."
Dry Wit
A minister introduced a number of improvements in his church, including hot air dryers in the wash rooms. He had them removed after two weeks because someone had stuck a notice on one of them which read "For details of last week's sermon, please press here."
More Caffeine Needed
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."
Shorts
- I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows...and a foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts, and...
- People are funny. They spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
- I went shopping for cherries and microphone stands the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.
- I went to the bank and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me.
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