A little humor for your week

His Speech Betrays Him A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything outta it." The perceptive teacher smiled and said, "It's English class, isn't it?"

Faith Of A Child

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

No Compliment

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work. "Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert." Feeling complimented and satisfied, but trying not to seem egotistical, I responded, "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!" She looked puzzled and, wondering if I'd misunderstood her, I asked, "What did you just say?" She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"

Shorts

• I had to call the plumbers out with a problem with our water supply. I don't think they were very good. They said I needed a new pipe.  I don't even smoke.
• I've just had a door-to-door salesman at the door. He said, "I'm selling barometers, but I'm not going to force you — no pressure."
• I am trying to get fit. I decided to take up skiing, but I went downhill after that.
• Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes? Come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
• Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.