A FEW FUNNIES

As any southerner knows, there's nothing like a backhanded compliment from a proper southern lady. Here are some favorites.  Y'all feel free to borrow them: 

"I just love how you don't care what people think. That takes a special person. "I bet those shoes are comfortable. After you tell her you lost nine pounds: "Well, that's a wonderful start. After you arrive for a visit: "What'd you do, sugar, drive all the way here with the windows down? After you've cooked: "That was good. I must have been hungry. "I bought this the other day, but it's too big on me. Do you want it? When a friend learned that I was seeing a man 15 years my junior, she accused me of being a cougar. "Why not? I said. "My last two husbands were cheetahs.  My mom sent me a text that said "I love you," and she ended it with a poop emoji. I asked why she added the emoji. She said, "I thought it was a Hershey's Kiss. @brigreenspan During my 55th high school class reunion, I spotted an old friend. "Bill! I shouted. "You look exactly the same as you did in high school. He nodded. "Now I know why I never got a date in high school.  Lord, help us! Our two-year-old, Tess, was sitting quietly in church one Sunday when she became mesmerized by a balding man seated in front. Her curiosity got the better of her, and she shouted for all to hear, "Why is that man's head coming out of his hair?  While standing on line for confession, I overheard a woman whisper to her friend, "I really don't know why I'm going to confession. I've been so busy, I haven't had a minute to sin.  After a worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you're not quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again.  During Bible studies, I asked my fifth-grade students to name the first couple. They correctly answered Adam and Eve. But when I asked about the first children, they were silent. So I said, "One son's name started with C, for Cain. The second son's name started with A, for One student shouted, "Adam Junior!