Feeling lonely? Do something about it

 By Nanci Hellmich, USA TODAY

When a friend of his retired as a college professor, Robert Bornstein noticed that the man started to become lonely. The professor, who wasn't married, had depended on his work friends as his social circle, but when those connections started to slip away, he had no one to fill the void. Some friends encouraged him to work for a local politician running for re-election. That changed everything, and the professor became more social, Bornstein says. "This formerly isolated retiree became a regular fixture at the local diner, conversing with friends over lunch several times each week. That story had a happy ending, but Bornstein, a psychologist and co-author of How to Age in Place, has seen the opposite occur. Sometimes folks become lonely and isolated in retirement, and it can create a "downward spiral" with people becoming depressed and not taking good care of themselves, he says. Loneliness in retirement is not only dreary, it can be deadly. People who constantly feel lonely have a 14% higher risk of premature death than those who don't, according to a new study of more than 2,100 adults 55 years and older in the Health and Retirement Study. Having good relationships with a few people is one of the keys to happiness and longevity, says psychologist John Cacioppo, the study's lead author and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago. "The stresses and challenges of life are more easily endured if we can share them with someone in whom we can confide and trust. In research designed to identify reasons for the association between loneliness and early death, Cacioppo and colleagues have found that feeling lonely and isolated from others can lead to less restful, restorative sleep, raise blood pressure, cause morning increases in the stress hormone cortisol, increase depression and lower the overall feeling of living a meaningful life. People "can escape the clutches of loneliness as they age" by staying in touch with former friends and colleagues, maintaining meaningful relationships and participating in family activities, says Cacioppo, co-author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connections. Loneliness is subjective, says psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, a 75-year study of adult life. "You can be lonely in a crowd, and you can be lonely in a marriage. It doesn't necessarily have to do with how many people you are with each day. It's whether you feel connected. Many people thrive in close, intimate relationships with people they can share life's highs and lows, says Eve Markowitz Preston, a New York City psychologist who works with older adults. These "bedrock relationships that offer good conversation and mutual caring" may be with a spouse, partner, sister, brother, adult child or friend or someone you know from a class, volunteer work or church, she says. Bornstein says some retirees are simply looking for companionship. "They may want someone to spend time with, share meals with and look out for each other, but they aren't necessarily looking for the same emotional connection that we seek in our 30s and 40s. Older adults are often quite happy to sit together, doing nothing and not have to talk. People vary a lot in how much contact they want or can tolerate, Bornstein says. "In fact, some people feel very intruded upon if they don't have a lot of private time. Bornstein says older adults sometimes experience "a triple whammy" that contributes to loneliness in a relatively short period of time. Kids often move out of the house and sometimes far away from home, he says. Typically around the same time, people lose their ready-made social circle at work. And it's not uncommon to lose a partner at some point during the later years of life, he says. "So often you have three great losses in a small number of years, and that can lead to tremendous isolation," Bornstein says. People who are social butterflies may easily make new friends, but if you're not a social butterfly you need to find structured activities to create social contacts for you such as volunteer work, adult education classes or groups such as book clubs, he says. Preston is also a strong advocate of volunteering. "There is so much need out there. When you volunteer, they expect you to show up. They come to need you. They acknowledge you. They appreciate you. She says she recently read an ad that said, "You are what you give. Places of worship often have volunteer opportunities as well as social activities for retirees, she says. People come to expect you at different events, and members of the congregation may invite you to their home for the holidays. "I had a patient who told me that she was the oldest person of her congregation, and she was beloved for that reason. There is "no road map, no guide book" for people after they retire, Preston says. "They have to find their own way, and they are living and surviving for so much longer. It's a very poignant situation.