SOMETHING MORE TO LAUGH ABOUT

Need a Lift? 

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator." 

Again For The First Time 

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they were handicapped accessible. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before. 

So Old... 

• He looks like a million bucks. After taxes.
• She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth -- she lies about her age.
• She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.
• When it comes to telling her age, she's shy -- about 10 years shy.
• I've stopped exercising. Pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.
• He's so old he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.
• He's so old he just got a solicitation from an old-age home marked "Urgent."

The New Test 

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"